What is your doctor really saying?

• "There is a lot of that going around." - That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
• "Well, what have we here..?" - He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
• "Let me check your medical history." - I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
• "We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
• "Let's see how it develops." - Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
• "Let me schedule you for some tests." - I have a 40% interest in the lab.
• "I'd like to have my associate look at you." - He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
• "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." - I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.
• "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." - I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
• "This may hurt a little." - Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
• "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we..?" - I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
• "This should fix you up." - The drug company slipped me a fiver to prescribe this stuff.
• "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" - You're crazier than an box of frogs. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...
• "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." - I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thanks goodness I'm off next week.

And don't forget that doctors can make mistakes too!